Utter Madness
by Rowena Zahnrei
Summary: Excalibur pays a visit to the mansion and Logan goes ballistic and Kills Somebody! Now includes BONUS STORY!
1. Utter Madness

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men. Please don't sue me or steal my story. Thanks!  
  
NOTE: This story was written in response to a challenge at nightscrawlers.com. The rules were (and I quote):  
  
1 Brian gets his ass beat and Meggan leaves him!  
  
2. Wolverine goes ballistic and kills somebody (your choosing).  
  
3. Rogue gets b**ch slapped by Remy.  
  
4. Kurt gets some lovin'.  
  
Having read that, you are now probably expecting a violent, racy story filled with gore and smut. Sorry to disappoint, but my stories don't tend to lean that way. I did follow the rules, but it was the letter and not the spirit of the guidelines that I adhered to. Hope you like it!  
  
NOTE II: I apologize in advance for the way I know I butchered Gambit's accent. I've never written for him before. Sorry!  
  
NOTE III: This story doesn't take place in any particular X-Universe. It's more of a mix. I de-aged Jamie for convenience more than anything else, and Bobby is the same age as he is in the movie because it just came out that way.  
  
Utter Madness  
  
By Rowena  
  
"Come on!" Brian shouted, seething with frustration. "Move it, you stupid jackass! She's going to win!"  
  
"What is going on out here?" Kitty asked, struggling to keep from laughing as she took in the singular scene before her. Brian was tugging futily at the reigns of a fat little donkey, which had stubbornly dug its hooves into the ground.  
  
"This moronic beast is refusing to move," Brian grunted, giving the reigns a final tug. The jackass dug its hooves even deeper into the grass, braying in defiance. Brian sighed, tearing his broad hands through his unruly blonde hair.  
  
"That's it! I give up! With the lead she's got now, even if he does start running there's no way he'd ever win the race. Meggan!" he shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth. "You win! You beat my stubborn ass!"  
  
There was a distant bray of donkeyesque laughter, and Kitty's eyes widened as a sleek, female donkey came running towards them from behind the hill. She came to a stop beside Brian, the air around her shimmering slightly as she shifted into a tall, voluptuous young woman with long, flowing blonde hair and a broad smile.  
  
"I did warn you this one would be trouble," Meggan chuckled, reaching out to pat the donkey on the neck. The plump little jackass relaxed, nuzzling its nose into her hand. "I'll go return him to the stables. Your little tug- of-war has tired him out, poor dear."  
  
"You mean, you're leaving me for that jackass?" Brian teased, leaning in for a kiss. Meggan pushed him away, hugging the donkey briefly about the neck.  
  
"Of course," she said with a fake huff. "You're nothing but a brute! Pulling at the poor donkey that way..."  
  
"Fine," Brian huffed back. "Go on. Leave me. See if I care."  
  
Meggan grinned. "Very well, then. I will." She turned to the donkey. "Come on, love," she said, taking him gently by the reigns. "Let's get you some nice, sweet hay. You'd like that, yes?"  
  
Brian watched with a rather forlorn look as Meggan led the donkey away, uncertain as to whether he should follow her or not. Kitty had to bend over with her hands on her knees, she was laughing so hard.  
  
Just then, a large dog shot by, followed closely by Gambit.  
  
"Come back, chere!" the Cajun cried out. "Gambit didn't mean it!"  
  
"Gambit!" Brian called out. "What's wrong?"  
  
The Cajun ran over to them, panting slightly and wiping the sweat from his brow. "Rogue done gone and touched Mystique," he said, his red eyes blazing. "Musta brushed up against her in a crowd or somethin'. Now she's in a bad way." He shook his head, shame warring with concern as he frowned. "How was Gambit supposed to know that dog he slapped away was really his Rogue, huh? Gambit just wanted to keep his new suit clean, and she just wouldn't stop jumpin' up with those dirty paws of hers! She be furious wit' poor Gambit now."  
  
"I'll bet Meggan could help her," Kitty suggested. "She's on her way to the stables right now. If you hurry, you could probably catch her!"  
  
"That be a good idea, petit," Gambit said, smiling slightly. "She's the empathic metamorph, right? Long, blonde hair?"  
  
Kitty and Brian nodded in the affirmative.  
  
"Yeah, Gambit know her," Gambit said. "Oh, and here's a warnin'. Y'all better steer clear of Wolverine. He certainly be on the warpath today!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Kitty asked. "What happened?"  
  
But Gambit was already gone, running after Meggan at his top speed.  
  
"What do you suppose he meant by that?" Brian asked. Kitty shrugged.  
  
"I don't know. But I'm going to locate Logan and find out. He won't hurt me, no matter how mad he might be."  
  
Brian raised an eyebrow. "You sound so sure of that. I've heard about Wolverine's rages..."  
  
"And I've actually seen some of them," Kitty retorted. "Don't worry, I know him. He probably just needs to blow off some steam."  
  
"Well, just be careful," Brian warned her. "From what I've seen so far, this mansion of Xavier's is more like a madhouse than a school."  
  
"Are you kidding?" Kitty laughed. "This is nothing! If you want to see some real chaos, catch the students' next game of mutantball!"  
  
"Mutantball?" Brian repeated, but he spoke to thin air. Kitty had already left. All alone now, Brian reached into his jacket and pulled out his pocket-sized edition of The Idiot's Guide to Basic Physics. Stretching out on the grass, he opened his book and began to read.  
  
*******  
  
Kurt shook his head somberly. "Ach, Logan," he said. "You see what your temper has gotten you now, mein Freund. I'm afraid he's dead."  
  
Jamie looked up at him, then at Logan, his bottom lip trembling as his large eyes rapidly filled with glistening tears. Logan clenched his fists and turned away, struggling to keep the lingering residuals of his fierce burst of murderous rage from flaring up again as he lowered his head in shame.  
  
"No!" the small boy cried. "No! Somebody can't be dead!"  
  
"Are you kidding!" Jubilee exclaimed, staring at the shriveled remains of the large, hairy tarantula on the floor beside them. "He's been skewered right through the abdomen! With a hole like that in his gut, he wouldn't want to be alive."  
  
"Yeah," Bobby nodded. "Nobody would want to survive that!"  
  
"Nobody's a duck,*" Jamie retorted with an angry scowl. "And, he's a cartoon. Somebody was real! He was my friend!"  
  
Kurt sighed, crouching down to put a comforting hand on the boy's narrow shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jamie," he said gently. "I know it's hard to accept, but your tarantula is now in Heaven. If you like, I can find a box for you, and I will help you bury him."  
  
"But I don't want to bury him!" the small boy protested, tears leaking down his rounded cheeks. "He has to go in my specimen case, with my moths and flies. So he'll have some friends."  
  
Kurt blinked, somewhat aghast at what he had just heard and not quite sure how to respond. He was saved from his uncomfortable predicament by Kitty, who chose that moment to enter the room.  
  
"Oh, there you are, Logan," she said. "I've been looking all over for you!" Just then, she noticed the expressions on everyone's faces. "Why do you all look like somebody died?"  
  
Jamie stared at her, then burst into very vocal tears. Logan winced and rubbed his sensitive ears, turning to leave the room. Kurt shot him a look.  
  
"Don't think you can escape that easily, Logan," he said, rising to his feet. "This is your fault, and it's up to you to make it right."  
  
"What did he do?" Kitty asked, her brow furrowed.  
  
"He went ballistic and killed Somebody," Jubliee explained. "Right in front of Jamie, too. Poor kid."  
  
Kitty gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as she stared at Logan in horror. "OhmyGod!" she exclaimed. "Who? Why?!"  
  
Logan growled, shaking his head at her misunderstanding. "No," he scowled, "I didn't kill anybody. I killed Somebody, the Squirt's pet tarantula."  
  
"Yeah," Bobby added, darting nervous glances over at Logan as he explained. "Logan came in here all mad because Rogue bit him on the leg after she transformed into a dog, and then his team lost the game on TV. Not only that, but it turns out Theresa used his last two cans of beer to cook dinner with. The tarantula crawling up his arm was sort of the last straw, and he kind of...well...lost it."  
  
Logan grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. "I ain't sayin' what I did was right, because it wasn't," he said gruffly, "but if you ask me that tarantula had no business bein' out of its cage or box or whatever in the first place."  
  
Jamie sniffled through his loud sobs, his wails becoming words. "He just wanted some...some...some exercise!" he cried.  
  
Kurt was about to speak, but he was cut off by the sound of the doorbell cutting through Jamie's sobs.  
  
"I'll get it!" he exclaimed, teleporting away before anyone else could steal his opportunity for escape. He would let Logan deal with Jamie. It would serve him right for losing his temper like that in front of the students.  
  
*Obscure reference to an old cartoon: "Puff the Magic Dragon and the Incredible Mr. Nobody."  
  
*******  
  
Kurt reappeared on the front stoop, right behind the person who had been ringing the doorbell.  
  
"Guten Tag," he said politely, causing the startled woman to turn, a broad smile splitting her face.  
  
Kurt's eyes widened with delighted recognition, and he returned her smile with a bright grin of his own.  
  
"Wanda!" he exclaimed, rushing to close the distance between them, pulling her at once into a warm embrace. "Ach, my darling betrothed, please say that you have come to take me away from all this!"  
  
"Bad day?" she asked, nuzzling his fuzzy nose.  
  
"Utter madness," he told her, resting his forehead against hers with an affectionate smile.  
  
"Hmm," Wanda smirked, pulling him closer. "Sounds to me like you could use some lovin' about now."  
  
Kurt raised a roguish eyebrow, wrapping his tail about her slender waist. "But the wedding is not for another month yet," he murmured, leaning in for a tender kiss. "And you know that I am a Catholic." She smiled against his lips.  
  
"I know," she said. "That's why I bought you this."  
  
She pulled back from his embrace and reached into the depths of her long jacket, pulling out—  
  
"It's a puppy!" Kurt exclaimed, reaching out to take the small, fluffy pup from the grinning Wanda. The tiny puppy wagged its tail as Kurt cuddled it. He kissed its nose, and the puppy affectionately licked his fuzzy face.  
  
"See," Wanda chuckled. "He loves you already."  
  
Kurt reached out and snagged her arm with his tail, pulling her in for a sandwich hug, the puppy lodged comfortably between them. "He is perfectly adorable, meine Liebe," he told her. "But this wasn't quite the kind of 'lovin'' I had in mind..." He wagged his eyebrows suggestively. Wanda laughed.  
  
"Well, it's the only kind you're going to get until the wedding! After all, aren't you the one who was going on and on about how our wedding night should be special?"  
  
Kurt sighed. "You could still try to talk me out of it, meine Liebe," he told her.  
  
Wanda shook her head, threading her arm through the crook of his elbow as they headed for her car. "You are incorrigible, you do know that."  
  
"I have been told it is one of my most endearing qualities."  
  
"Oh? And who told you that?"  
  
Kurt pretended to think for a moment, then he smiled. "Why, I do believe it was you."  
  
Wanda snickered. "Are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?" she asked him as he moved to open the car door for her.  
  
"Of course," he assured her, his grin taking on a decidedly wicked cast. "That is, unless you'd rather eat in."  
  
"Go play with your puppy," she mock-scolded, kissing him on the cheek before sliding into the driver's seat. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Drive safely, meine Liebe," he cautioned, closing her door and stepping back as she started the engine.  
  
She blew him a kiss, which he caught and placed over his heart, then she turned her head and drove away, leaving Kurt alone with his puppy.  
  
He sighed happily, watching until her car had vanished into the distance, then he looked down at the puppy snuggled warmly in his arms. It felt good to be so loved.  
  
The End 


	2. A Perfect Love

BONUS STORY!  
  
Since this story is too little to be on its own, I decided to include here it as a bonus story! 'Utter Madness' is complete as it now stands, so this isn't a second chapter--sorry! It's a completely separate story that was also inspired by a challenge: I had to come up with a truly unusual romantic pairing and describe how the two characters met.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. Please don't sue me or steal my little, tiny story! Thanks!  
  
A Perfect Love  
  
By Rowena  
  
We met on a Sunday. I was in London on business, she was headed off to give a lecture at the annual World Geneticists meeting. We met in the park, by the pelicans. She had her head in the clouds, deep in thought as she walked with that purposeful stride of hers, her short, auburn hair shining in the sunlight, her thick glasses magnifying her beautiful eyes. I was sitting on the bench, waiting impatiently for my shifty-eyed client to turn up.  
  
It was love at first sight. My breath caught in my throat, my heart pounded in my ears. I rose to my feet, coming up beside her wearing my most winning smile.  
  
"Were you wantin' somethin', laddie?"  
  
Gasp! That accent! She was Scottish, she was beautiful, she was obviously intelligent, she was perfect! I nearly swallowed my tongue.  
  
"Hi," I said brightly, broadening my smile. My cheeks were starting to ache, but I didn't care. Glancing down, I noticed she was wearing a nametag on her jacket. No doubt it was for the conference. "Dr. McTaggert?"  
  
"I'm in an awful rush, laddie," she said, quickening her pace. I matched it as she continued. "Now, either quit that daft grinning and get to the point- -if you have one--or please leave me alone before I'm forced to call for a bobby!"  
  
God, she was marvelous! I knew then that I had to make her mine, my own to love and cherish until the end of my days.  
  
That night, I started work on my plans. I took great care in working out every detail. After a week, I was ready to carry it out. After three months of persistent and painstaking effort, she was finally mine.  
  
I looked down at her still form on my lab table, drinking in every detail. This was it. This would be the moment of truth. This would be Arcade's ultimate triumph.  
  
I leaned over and took her limp, slender hand in mine, firmly pressing the center of her palm with my thumb. Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked at me. For a moment, neither of us moved. Then, she smiled, a warm, brilliant, sleepy smile. She recognized me! I had done it!  
  
"Good mornin', lover," she said in that marvelous accent of hers, reaching up with her other hand to brush the hair from her forehead. "Whose turn is it ta make the coffee?"  
  
Since that moment, the two of us have been practically inseperable. I have never been happier. In fact, most days even I can forget that she is a robot. The real Moira McTaggert is dead now, struck down by that Legacy virus she was researching. Mine, however, will never leave me. She is mine forever. My perfect love.  
  
The End.  
  
Please Review! 


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